The Physics of the Quest

In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

Eat, Pray, Love

José

E agora, José?

A festa acabou,

a luz apagou,

o povo sumiu,

a noite esfriou,

e agora, José?

e agora, você?

você que é sem nome,

que zomba dos outros,

você que faz versos,

que ama, protesta?

e agora, José?

Está sem mulher,

está sem discurso,

está sem carinho,

já não pode beber,

já não pode fumar,

cuspir já não pode,

a noite esfriou,

o dia não veio,

o bonde não veio,

o riso não veio,

não veio a utopia

e tudo acabou

e tudo fugiu

e tudo mofou,

e agora, José?

E agora, José?

Sua doce palavra,

seu instante de febre,

sua gula e jejum,

sua biblioteca,

sua lavra de ouro,

seu terno de vidro,

sua incoerência,

seu ódio — e agora?

Com a chave na mão

quer abrir a porta,

não existe porta;

quer morrer no mar,

mas o mar secou;

quer ir para Minas,

Minas não há mais.

José, e agora?

Se você gritasse,

se você gemesse,

se você tocasse

a valsa vienense,

se você dormisse,

se você cansasse,

se você morresse...

Mas você não morre,

você é duro, José!

Sozinho no escuro

qual bicho-do-mato,

sem teogonia,

sem parede nua

para se encostar,

sem cavalo preto

que fuja a galope,

você marcha, José!

José, para onde?

Carlos Drummond de Andrade (1942)

From When We Were Happy...

... before we hated each other.

And I did.

"Go after her. Fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really."

Hsrvey Milk

18th November 2010

You are always on my mind.

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
Girl I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

And maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me
tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied

 Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

La Bonne Personne

... todas as raparigas dos meus sonhos, encontram o homem dos delas.

Desculpe o transtorno, preciso falar da Clarice

 Conheci ela no jazz. Essa frase pode parecer romântica se você imaginar alguém tocando Cole Porter num subsolo esfumaçado de Nova York. Mas o jazz em questão era aquela aula de dança que todas as garotas faziam nos anos 1990 –onde ouvia-se tudo menos jazz. Ela fazia jazz. Minha irmã fazia jazz. Eu não fazia jazz mas ia buscar minha irmã no jazz. Ela estava lá. Dançando. Nunca vou me esquecer: a música era "You Oughta Know", da Alanis.

 Quando as meninas se jogavam no chão, ela ficava no alto. Quando iam pra ponta dos pés, ela caía de joelhos. Quando se atiravam pro lado, trombavam com ela que se lançava pro lado oposto. Os olhos, sempre imensos e verdes, deixavam claro que ela não fazia ideia do que estava fazendo. Foi paixão à primeira vista. Só pra mim, acho.

 Passamos algumas madrugadas conversando no ICQ ao som de Blink 182 e Goo Goo Dolls. De lá, migramos pro MSN. Do MSN pro Orkut, do Orkut pro inbox, do inbox pro SMS.

 Começamos a namorar quando ela tinha 20 e eu 23, mas parecia que a vida começava ali. Vimos todas as séries. Algumas várias vezes. Fizemos todas as receitas existentes de risoto. Queimamos algumas panelas de comida porque a conversa tava boa. Escolhemos móveis sem pesquisar se eles passavam pela porta. Escrevemos juntos séries, peças de teatro, filmes. Fizemos uma dúzia de amigos novos e junto com eles o Porta dos Fundos. Fizemos mais de 50 curtas só nós dois —acabei de contar. Sofremos com os haters, rimos com os shippers. Viajamos o mundo dividindo o fone de ouvido. Das dez músicas que mais gosto, sete foi ela que me mostrou. As outras três foi ela que compôs. Aprendi o que era feminismo e também o que era cisgênero, gas lighting, heteronormatividade, mansplaining e outras palavras que o Word tá sublinhando de vermelho porque o Word não teve a sorte de ser casado com ela.

 Um dia, terminamos. E não foi fácil. Choramos mais que no final de "How I Met Your Mother". Mais que no começo de "Up". Até hoje, não tem um lugar que eu vá em que alguém não diga, em algum momento: cadê ela? Parece que, pra sempre, ela vai fazer falta. Se ao menos a gente tivesse tido um filho, eu penso. Levaria pra sempre ela comigo.

 Essa semana, pela primeira vez, vi o filme que a gente fez juntos — não por acaso uma história de amor. Achei que fosse chorar tudo de novo. E o que me deu foi uma felicidade muito profunda de ter vivido um grande amor na vida. E de ter esse amor documentado num filme — e em tantos vídeos, músicas e crônicas. Não falta nada.

Gregorio Duvivier

I've Forgotten You!

I've forgotten you,

I never think of you,

The way you walked,

the way you talked,

the things you used to say,

I've forgotten you,

I never think of you,

I couldn't say for sure today,

Whether your eyes were blue or grey.

I've forgotten you,

I never think of you,

Your smile, your touch,

Which meant so much,

Somewhere along the way.

I've forgotten you,

I never think of you,

I changed my mind, my love was blind,

Now I've forgotten you.

I'm through, thinking of you.

Oh, what a lie!

I shall think of you,

Think of you,

Think of you,

Till I die.

 

For Em

The Laughing Heart

Charles Bukowski

Angels In America

"Night flight to San Francisco; chase the moon across America. God, it’s been years since I was on a plane. When we hit 35,000 feet we’ll have reached the tropopause, the great belt of calm air, as close as I’ll ever get to the ozone. I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them and was repaired. Nothing’s lost forever. In this world, there’s a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we’ve left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that’s so.”

Tony Kushner

Thinking Ahead

Se calhar a mulher dos teus sonhos, não é aquela com que sonhas, mas com quem consegues viver a vida com que sonhaste. Se calhar as mulheres dos teus sonhos hão-de ser as tuas filhas, e com isso, a mãe delas, mas só por consequência.

The Maptia Manifesto

About Time

"I always knew we were a fairly odd family. First there was me, too tall, too skinny, too orange. My mum was lovely, but not like other mums. There was something solid about her, something rectangular, busy and unsentimental. Her fashion icon was the Queen. Dad, well, he was more normal. He always seemed to have time on his hands. After giving up teaching university students on his 50th birthday, he was eternally available for a leisurely chat or to let me win at table tennis. And then there was Mum's brother, Uncle Desmond. Always impeccably dressed. He spent the days just, well, being Uncle Desmond. He was the most charming and least clever man you could ever meet. His mind was on other things, though we never found out what. And then, finally there was Catherine. Katie. Kit Kat. My sister. In a household of sensible jackets and haircuts there was this, well, what can I call her, nature thing. With her elfin eyes, her purple T-shirts and her eternally bare feet, she was then, and still is to me, about the most wonderful thing in the world."

in About Time

Copo Meio-Cheio

Já não acredito em metade do que está aqui escrito. Um pouco de sorte e, quem sabe, não deixo de acreditar no resto.

Quase

"Ainda pior que a convicção do não e a incerteza do talvez é a desilusão de um quase. É o quase que me incomoda, que me entristece, que me mata trazendo tudo que poderia ter sido e não foi. Quem quase ganhou ainda joga, quem quase passou ainda estuda, quem quase morreu está vivo, quem quase amou não amou. Basta pensar nas oportunidades que escaparam pelos dedos, nas chances que se perdem por medo, nas ideias que nunca sairão do papel por essa maldita mania de viver no outono.

Pergunto-me, às vezes, o que nos leva a escolher uma vida morna; ou melhor não me pergunto, contesto. A resposta eu sei de cór, está estampada na distância e frieza dos sorrisos, na frouxidão dos abraços, na indiferença dos "Bom dia", quase que sussurrados. Sobra covardia e falta coragem até pra ser feliz. A paixão queima, o amor enlouquece, o desejo trai. Talvez esses fossem bons motivos para decidir entre a alegria e a dor, sentir o nada, mas não são. Se a virtude estivesse mesmo no meio termo, o mar não teria ondas, os dias seriam nublados e o arco-íris em tons de cinza. O nada não ilumina, não inspira, não aflige nem acalma, apenas amplia o vazio que cada um traz dentro de si.

Não é que fé mova montanhas, nem que todas as estrelas estejam ao alcance, para as coisas que não podem ser mudadas resta-nos somente paciência porém, preferir a derrota prévia à dúvida da vitória é desperdiçar a oportunidade de merecer. Pros erros há perdão; pros fracassos, chance; pros amores impossíveis, tempo. De nada adianta cercar um coração vazio ou economizar alma. Um romance cujo fim é instantâneo ou indolor não é romance. Não deixe que a saudade sufoque, que a rotina acomode, que o medo impeça de tentar. Desconfie do destino e acredite em você. Gaste mais horas realizando que sonhando, fazendo que planejando, vivendo que esperando porque, embora quem quase morre esteja vivo, quem quase vive já morreu."

Sarah Westphal

Fear No Susan Glenn!

“I remember her, not a girl but the girl. The brains behind the all time top ten comic book vixens only wish they could conjure a a siren the likes of Susan Glenn, beneath my feet my own private earthquake registered an eight when Susan Glenn was near. In her presence all was beautiful before she arrived turned grotesque and in her shadows others became goblinesque, if she approached Susan Glenn she didn’t walk she floated, accompanied by Pyrotechnics spectacals that left me feeling a foot tall. She embodied every desireable quality I have ever wanted. In my mind I was a peasant before a Queen. And so Susan Glenn and I were never a thing, if I could do it again, I’d do it differently.”

Booyah

"So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none. When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home."

Tecumtha (1768 - 1813)

Sarah's Heavy Heart

Thank You Florence!

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues drawn

But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah